


Internally Humming

by ad_PGP



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Fatphobia, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Other, The Homestuck Epilogues, Trans Roxy Lalonde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 11:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20741471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ad_PGP/pseuds/ad_PGP
Summary: John tries to be a good friend to a newly out Roxy.





	Internally Humming

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [a previous comic that's referred to here](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/522104) by me. 

> There are references to a past John/Roxy romantic relationship, but this fic can be read through both platonic and romantic lenses. I love all sorts of feelings!

John isn’t really sure why he’s here. I mean, of course, he’s Roxy’s friend, and Roxy’s going through some stuff, but John himself isn’t exactly a model of stability. If Roxy spontaneously invites someone home, it’s never John. Or, well, it hasn't been in a long time...

On the other hand, from what he’s seen, John’s the one of the “human gang” who took Roxy’s coming-out the most smoothly. None of Jade’s un-self-aware invasive questions, Dave’s initial uneasiness, Rose’s “I knew it all along” attitude (she didn’t), Dirk’s thinly veiled disrespect, Jake’s platitudes or Jane’s dismissiveness.

Maybe John’s enthusiastic response (“It’s amazing you keep discovering new stuff about yourself!”) was all that Roxy needed to feel better about herself. Himself? Themself? Is that last one even grammatically correct? Well, another humbling thought to remember not pat himself on the back too hard. Understanding that stuff was another kind of transition, in a way.

The most compelling way John has found to empathize with Roxy’s dysphoria is to think back to how he felt about his body before the game. As a kid, John was never really fat, but he always felt terrified of becoming it. He didn’t have many friends and didn’t want to be “the fat one”; additionally, his romantic ideal would never fall for a fat guy, he thought. His father’s insistence that John was just the “healthy” kind of chubby never convinced him, back then. Now though? John kinda feels like he’s earned the right to be soft. He’s a god, so he could probably reshape his body in any way he wants, but he feels comfortable with his weight (and low-key beefiness). Earlier this week, when John shyly brought up his progress in self-love, Dave called him a “prime choice bear”. John of course had no idea what that meant, but decided to take it as a compliment anyway and never look it up.

John thinks about Roxy again. Thin, boney, lanky, taller-than-him Roxy. Is his body dysmorphia really the best way to relate to them?  
“Maybe Roxy has a fat heart”, John muses. Putting it this way makes slightly more sense to him.

The sound of a closet opening snaps him out of his thought bubble. As he raises his head, he sees Roxy come back in, wearing a light pink hoodie with a mutant cat face on it, stylish grey sweatpants with gold accents and some sweet kicks. As his eyes are on course to meet Roxy’s, they catch something new on their way— Roxy’s chest is unusually flat today. Huh.

As to not embarrass Roxy, and because he’s starting to feel like a creep, John quickly shifts his eyes to look into Roxy‘s.

“So? How’s it lookin’?” Roxy asks with a nervous smile.

“I think you look great! It’s different, but it still feels very ‘you’.” John says, and thinks the same.

Roxy is still awkwardly smiling, uneasy. It’s clear they’re not reassured.

“Ya really think so?” they ask tentatively.

Before John gets the opportunity to answer, Roxy walks towards him and sits right next to him. They’re both on Roxy’s bed, something that hasn’t happened in a lot of time, but for once it doesn’t feel romantic. John hasn’t been the most social person lately, but he feels in his heart that now is the most important moment for him to be a friend.

“Are you okay?” John asks in a warm and soft voice.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Roxy sighs. John is about to pat their back but quickly pulls back when Roxy lowers their head to push the palm of their hands against their closed eyes.

“One day I feel like comin out was the best decision I made in my life, and the next day I come crashin down, wonderin if maybe I’m makin a huge mistake, or maybe I’m delusional, I- I don’t know.”

John opens his mouth to speak, but then quickly shuts it. He feels that Roxy isn’t done unloading.

“I’m just- I used to look at myself in the mirror, and, y’know, seein a beautiful woman lookin back at me. But now- now I feel like maybe I’m ruinin this perfectly good woman to become, what… Well, what, that’s exactly what I’m wonderin!”

Roxy turns their head to John, their eyes red and glassy.

“Like, not to toot my own horn or anythin, but I’m pretty hot.” They say with a crooked smile.

“Or was, I guess.” They say as they turn their head away from John once again, passing their right hand through their hair.

Suddenly, John realizes Roxy got their hair cut short. He feels like an idiot for not noticing it earlier. To him, Roxy just looks like Roxy. Maybe he should try and pay more attention. Or maybe he shouldn’t, it seems it doesn’t make that much of a difference.

“Listen, Rox’ -and I mean this in a totally non-flirtatious way, I swear— you’re still pretty damn hot.” John says with a smile.

Roxy’s face is almost entirely turned away from him, but he can see the faint hint of a smirk growing on it.

“And, shit, even if you weren’t- who gives a damn? I mean, we’re gods, aren’t we? We don’t owe anything to anyone, and that includes looks.” As John talks, he can see Roxy’s shoulders start relaxing.

“Oh- actually, I think you do owe someone.” Roxy turns to look at John again, puzzled.

“You! You owe yourself some respect, and- no, please don’t laugh, I’m serious-“ John says with a smile as he sees Roxy’s expression change. God, they really must think he’s a dork.

“This is some really really tough event to go through, but you owe it to yourself to fulfil whatever bs inner gender destiny you have going on here. And, well, if it turns out that’s not it, who cares? Hair grows back, you can change bras again, and also those clothes look good on you no matter what. And if you actually are doing the right thing right now, well, who knows? More gender adventures to come, or- or something, I guess.” John feels like this clunky speech isn’t exactly the smartest thing he’s ever spouted, but he means every word of it.

Soon, he hears a gentle laughter softly rising, almost sounding like a bird. It’s unusual of Roxy but somehow rings oh, so true.

“Thanks. I needed to hear that. Think you can do that again some time whenever I start feelin stupid again?” Roxy asks, casually putting their left hand on John’s shoulder.

“Sure. I’m like, definitely the best when it comes to motivational speeches. I honestly have no idea how you could ever think to pick any one else for this task among your friends. I definitely, for sure, am very qualified.”

Roxy’s soft laughter progressively turns louder, rougher— more familiar. John smiles. Almost instinctively, he spreads his arms, as if he were asking “Do you want a hug?”, emulating a gesture his dad did so many times for him.

Roxy answers the unasked question by closing in and hugging John as tight as they can. John kind of feels like some kid’s giant teddy bear right now- wait, is that what Dave meant? Is that what “bears” are? Maybe he will google it after all.

After a good 5 minutes of intense, spine-breaking hugs, as Roxy slowly pulls away to look at him thankfully, John feels happy he did something right, for once. He’s probably still got a lot of work to do himself, but knowing his presence helped Roxy already feels like a pretty good lead. He doesn’t entirely understand them, but he does understand how nice it is to have a friend.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thanks for reading! This is my first Homestuck fanfic and English isn't my native language, so I hope I did well!
> 
> I thought it'd be interesting to see John try his best to empathize with Roxy through his own experiences because, well, it's difficult to find 1-to-1 parallels between cis and trans people when it comes to body dysmorphia, and even well meaning hyperwoke people have a hard time getting it. Plus, when it comes to nonbinary gender feels, things get even more complicated. 
> 
> Before the epilogues I'd always headcanoned Roxy as a trans gal, but I've really warmed up to epilogue Roxy and I love both NB & transmasc versions of em, I feel both can be very sweet depending on how you write them! Roxy's just that powerful.
> 
> (.... I might draw some art for this fic at some point)


End file.
